Adrenaline Junkie

Hi, I’m Ashlee, and I’m an adrenaline addict. Not the adventure-seeking-bungee-jumping kind of addict, but the let’s-see-if-I-can-squeeze-in-one-more-thing kind of addict. I came to this realization about myself a little over a month ago when I felt my pulse quicken as I turned toward my bank, despite the fact that I had an appointment in 5 minutes and I was 3 minutes away. I wondered if I could get my errand done and still make it on time. I did, for the record.

That pulse-quickening, highly-efficient, no-margin-of-error kind of living is the lifestyle that I renounced last year, but this experience that day at the end of April brought home to me the fact that my high need for efficiency is pretty ingrained. Usually one would say that efficiency is great. However, I’ve recognized that for me, efficiency is actually reliance on myself, rather than on God. It’s also pride and hubris, as I act as if the normal boundaries for healthy people somehow don’t apply to me.

So I must confess my sins of self-dependence and pride and admit that even though I’m not hurting another person in my adrenaline-addictive ways, I’m also not living the sort of life when I can truly understand what the Psalmist means when he says, “Be still and know that I am God.”

In order to break my addictions, I’ve done three things, and I have to say, I’m feeling more and more freed from this nasty habit.

1. I’m leaving five minutes earlier to get where I need to get. I have realized that I love the rush of wondering if I’m going to get somewhere on time. I don’t like to waste one minute of being “early,” preferring to be “right on time.” But usually that means I’m about 2 minutes late since I saw someone on the way across campus or got held up by a stoplight. I don’t like being disrespectful to people and being late is one of the common discourtesies, so I’m trying, I really am, to be a few minutes early. And I’m learning to enjoy sitting for a few minutes if I am early. Huh, whowouldathought?!
2. Secondly, I’m growing a tomato plant. I’m only taking partial credit for thinking this up as a way of breaking out of my adrenaline addiction, as part of it actually goes to one of my students. I have a student who apparently has a burgeoning green thumb. He managed to convince a staff person here on campus to let him take over a lapsed garden and he tells me that he is growing quite a few veggies. He gave me a tomato plant in a planter so that I could make some fresh salsa later this summer and he continues to ask me how the plant is doing. I can’t tell him that I’ve let it die, so I water it. And I check on the little developing tomatoes and I do my best to will this little plant into abundance. I really have no ability to make this plant grow and that’s where I’ve seen that the plant is a long term investment of my time. Since my adrenaline-addictive habits like to see immediate success, this plant is exactly what I need to remind me of a sustained, steady, slow, progress that isn’t even guaranteed. My travels preventing me from watering it, the birds, or even a bad storm could completely demolish the potential of my summer salsa plans. But I water it anyway.
3. Finally, my third (and most important) intervention to breaking the adrenaline habit is to linger longer in my morning (and afternoon, and evening) prayers. Instead of hurrying to get to work, I stay just a few more precious moments longer in studying scripture or praying. From the worldly perspective, I’m wasting time (and lots of it!), but from the spiritual perspective, I’m doing the most important work of the day. My head is clearer, my heart is more emboldened, and I’m far less inclined to be anxious about the things that I can’t control.

So, I suppose that I’m a recovering adrenaline addict, or on the road to it at least. I might just have to start investigating bungee jumping after all…

What to Leave Behind in 2009: The idol of Efficiency

I have said before that my middle name is Efficiency. Ashlee E. Alley. Well…that’s a bit of an untruth…the E. stands for Elaine instead of Efficiency, but, close enough. I really, really like to get things done in an efficient manner, requiring the least amount of effort for the greatest amount of impact. For example, at one point while doing some work on personality, I discovered a chart that had a listing of greetings that different personality types (as determined by the Myers-Briggs test) had for one another. I laughed out loud when I saw the one for my type: “Have an efficient day!” I laughed, because a common greeting for me at that time was, “Get lots done!” I was in seminary and, apparently, was concerned about the efficiency of the workload for myself, and others.

Unfortunately, efficiency is really not the way that Christian maturity works. We can’t do mass discipleship (that’s indoctrination). We can’t do speedy spiritual disciplines (that’s the world’s way). We can’t have reactionary solutions to problems (they’re merely band-aids). Efficiency simply is not the way that God works. Think about it: how efficient is it that God entrusted the task of evangelism, of telling the Good News of Jesus Christ (and him crucified and resurrected) to the flakey disciples. Granted, the disciples (and we) have a H.U.G.E. advocate in the Holy Spirit, but God still uses humanity to introduce Christ to a lost world—this isn’t the most efficient manner of telling others about himself. No…what God could have done if efficiency were top priority is to have preserved multiple written copies of “God’s plan” (sorta like tracts) all over the known world. Also, surely God could have given us a Methuselah to live for 1000 years and verify the veracity of these tracts and God’s plan. And yet, we do have the written words of Scripture, which some of us seem to (try to) discredit. And God has given us prophets, teachers, and the Holy Spirit to testify to God’s plan of redemption for the world by following the way of Christ. But, due to our human nature, we see that efficiency didn’t work, so rather, God relies on the hard work of transforming us, his children, and entrusting us with telling the story of Jesus Christ. In short, efficiency is not the way that God works.

Not only is evangelism not efficient, but neither is discipleship. In my own relationship with Jesus Christ, I’ve had to learn not to bow to the idol of Efficiency. It’s not easy for me, as I tend to schedule myself with small margins of error between meetings, events, or appointments. But I’ve found that Efficiency requires a pretty steep price. My creativity is sacrificed in order to balance multiple trains of thought. Also asked of me is my ability to focus singularly on one thing. My multitasking brain thinks about several things at once and even when I’m trying to focus on a sermon for next week, my mind wanders to the service project for this weekend. And often if I do try to focus on one thing, I get through my first event feeling a sense of panic when the next activity appears as the next first priority.

As I approach this new year, I am casting down the idol of Efficiency. I’m praying for God’s grace in letting go of this idol that for so long has grasped my priorities, my values, and my calendar. Instead of bowing to the idol of Efficiency, I am resolving to be patient. Patience, as one of the Fruit of the Spirit, is something that only grows through the grace of God. I’m asking for more of God’s grace this year, that I might not seek to accomplish the most things, but rather, that I would seek to accomplish the things to which God has called me. I’m asking God to give me the patience to “wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord”, instead of making it happen myself.

There is a song that I remember from my childhood that reminds me of what patience looks like: “Have patience…have patience…don’t be…in such…a hurry. When you get…impatient…it only makes you worry. Remember…remember…that God is patient too…and…think of all…the times…when others…have…to…wait…on…you!”
If I recall, the tune is somewhat of a bumbling, slow, and unwearied sort of a tune. It’s true: impatience (or efficiency) does make me worry. And God is patient. And my efficiency has a cost for others.

As I usher in the year 2010, I ask for God’s grace to release Efficiency and embrace Patience. Thankfully, I also get to release worry and being scatterbrained. It won’t be easy, I’m sure, as I’ll have to embrace other qualities along with Patience (like relinquishing control and trusting God and others). So Efficiency—be gone! Patience—come! Please. And even if you don’t come quickly, I resolve to prepare myself for your arrival. The fruit of Patience is a much more desirable harvest—a heart singularly focused on responding to God’s call in the world. May it be so in 2010.